Edward “Eddie” Howe is going into his 40th season as a manager but is still going strong. He’s taken the club from the 15th tier Isthmian South Division South Section EvoStik Premier Milk League up to the promised land and shows no signs of stopping, besides the fact that he uses a Zimmer frame. Recently local sources confused this with him wanting to sign Norwich’s Christopher Zimmerman, to which Howe responded “huh?” in his press conference. Howe can often be found having tea by the promenade with his grandchildren Steve and Lewis Cook. |
Unai out? The veteran Spanish manager has some fans begging for his time to be up. Though he brought experience in the European Cup Winners’ Cup as a serial winner, his time at Arsenal has proved frustrating. Many think he’s stuck in his ways, with an attractive passing style not delivering the hoped-for results. Others who grew up with Emery at the Emirates think he deserves a legend’s send off. |
Dean Smith is part of the new generation of coaches; the hipster generation. He’s often seen armed with a laptop and a protein shake. The first coach in the football league to master the art of data science in football, he harnessed the power of machine learning to get the Villans promoted. But while your proper football men laugh at his ways, Smith did the analysis and saw that Glenn Whelan and Alan Hutton were indeed not good enough for the Premier League today and instead signed about 15 players from the Football Manager 2019 database. Those in the Holte End are just praying they don’t do a gradient descent towards the relegation zone. |
Most pundits and fans predicted that Graham Potter would get the sack and that Brighton would go down this season. And it’s easy to see why, Potter is a total journeyman known for deploying a particular brand of long ball tactics. With spells in places as far flung as Sweden and Wales, Potter has been all over to little success. A run in the Mickey Mouse Europa League is the most he’s ever achieved. He’s known for his strange off field team bonding activities, such as playing bowls and gardening together. Expect to see an agricultural hoof from Dan Burn to Glenn Murray many times this season. |
Once the most expensive English centre back, the 33-year-old Sean Dyche made the step up into management after suffering a career ending knee injury. He got his big break after Eddie Howe left the job in his only season away from Bournemouth. He’s proven he has the chops to eat the worms with the best in the top flight and has developed a great reputation at Burnley. Dyche is known for his soft and lovely voice and beautiful hair. He’s shown his sensitive and cultural sides in squad building, giving Mee a chance and signing Tarkowski based purely on the poetry of the filmography of Andrei Tarkovsky. The team also has a cosmopolitan international flavour, with Austrian Ashley Barnes and the New Zealandish striker Chris Wood. |
Oh boy, you know the club are in trouble when they turn to this old geezer. A close friend of ‘Arry Redknapp, Frank Lampard Jnr Snr has a reputation as a wheeler-dealer. So much so that Fifa handed out a pre-emptive transfer ban before the club had even appointed him. Lampard is very much of the ‘run around a bit’ school of thought, which could unleash free flowing football or make them hopeless relegation fodder. However, with no agents fees to produce bungs into his pocket due to the lack of transfers, don’t be surprised to see Frankie walk away for a different pay day on the managerial merry-go-round. |
“Baby” Roy Hodgson may seem to young for management, in his ill-fitting suit and with his hairless face, but don’t let that fool you. Behind those steely eyes lies an impeccable football brain. And just like chess grandmasters can be crowned at ever younger ages, so too football managers. He finished his A-Levels at age 8 and was accepted into the FA’s coaching program thereafter. He’s been successful at keeping Palace up so far in his tenure but the precocious Hodgson has a big year ahead of him, with puberty and Wilfried Zaha’s departure both on the horizon. He’s loved at Selhurst Park though, with cries of “Roy’s Our Boy” ringing out on matchdays. He says his ambition is to one day manage England, bless him. |
The Bedraggled One Marco Silva has had a tough time in England. Loathed by Watford fans and relegated at Hull, he’s still trophyless at Everton. Once a media darling, he was forever scarred somewhere along the way and now looks like England’s most depressed manager. Seriously, look at him, he needs a break. His personal life has come into question, with Silva living in a hotel and reportedly scaring other guests by walking around in public in only his old undies. |
Brendan Rodgers is another of the Premier League’s old timers. The Northern Irishman’s most prestigious spell in the top division was when he succeeded Kenny Dalglish at Liverpool. That was in 1991. Since then he’s managed Celtic, where he won every trophy ever year in a row and moonlighted as a Leonard Nimoy impersonator. He accidentally joined the Foxes when trying to order Fox’s Glacier Mints online but his team is shaping up to be a contender, with such throwback players as Jamie Vardy and Marc Albrighton complimenting random young Belgians. |
"Peppy G" is on a one-man mission to bring the 90s back. His first action as Manchester City manager was to ban WIFI and cellular phones at the City training ground because he didn't understand why anyone would need anything more than a 56kpbs dial-up internet connection and a phone with one of those cord things attached to it. Pep also loves the 90s tradition of pre-tournament football songs (performed by footballers themselves) and has been trying to write a response song to the 'Anfield Rap' ever since Liverpool knocked City out of the Champions League in 2018. He's only managed to come up with one line so far: "my name is Pep and I'm here to say that I love tiki-taka in a major way".
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Ole Gunnar Solskjær never gets embarrassing raccoon eyes after long tanning sessions, never has to use any scarily sharp utensils to eat prawn sandwiches and his match day blazer never looks boring or plain. But how does he manage these three seemingly impossible things? Simple - it's thanks to Cinco! He swears by the Cinco Eye Tanning System, Cinco Food Tube and his stunning Cinco Bro-oche. Even though he had to get all his teeth removed on three seperate occassions he was able to replace them with some Cinco-provided pearly white dentures made from real human bones. Ole is a Cinco man - this message is brought to you by the Cinco Corporation. Please note: If Solskjær ever sends you an invite on Facebook about a mysterious Thursday night conference you should expect to be peddled upon and you might have to subsequently figure out how to get yourself out of a pyramid scheme... |
Stevie Bruce is a tough man, just look at his youthful but completely broken nose. He looks like a young rugby player turned bouncer. He’ll need that same energy this season at the Toon to hold off Geordies trying to punch horses on the nose. This blonde bombshell will be hoping he can instill some discipline at St James Park. |
Daniel Farke is forging a reputation as the old Jurgen Klopp. Also coming through Borussia Dortmund and implementing a pressing style, he’s an all-round friendly guy. But he has a sinister secret...Back in his quaint German hometown he spent numerous years trying to obtain the magical essence of small creatures known only by their colloquial name as “Best Fiends”. Disillusioned by his lack of domestic success, Farkemel (as he is known by the local children) moved to England in 2017.
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A former ball boy who had to step in as caretaker manager after everyone in the Sheffield United coaching pyramid was sacked, Chris Wilder has now led his team to the promised land. He famously deployed overlapping centre backs in order to pick up the ball when it crossed the touchline, since he was confined to his technical area and no more ball boys were employed by the club. He’s a boyhood Blades fan, since he’s currently a boy. Captain Billy Sharp is old enough to be his dad and together they are ready to take the Premier League by storm. |
Chile’s most handsome young coach, Manuel Pellegrini came to West Ham when they thought he was the same person as Mauricio Pellegrino. Davids Gold and Sullivan were so impressed by this charming man that they kept him all the same. He learned from Bielsa while playing for the national team and has a bright future ahead of him as a manager and player. |